With my conviction that I am doing the right thing and knowing that I have the courage to attain my expectations one step at a time I continue to walk along my life’s path. Periodically I need a respite to reevaluate, it is at these stops I occasionally feel disorientated until I reassess my objectives and move on. At other times I seem to faultier, I can become confused with which path to take, and I can easily find contradictions in my judgments. Other times I look behind, knowing I cannot retrace those past steps, but then there are times I stumble, these quandaries have halted my moving on, it could be caused by people, places or things even foods from the past to the present, from the familiar to the unfamiliar of one country to another; questions asked that have no answers, it could be an action that is out of my control. This is when I give myself permission to have a “Pity Party”.
My pity party is when I contemplate a predicament that causes me to succumb to a “Wow is Me, or Poor Me” mindset. I allow myself to wallow in the turmoil then I pull myself together. I make a choice to take a chance on Fixing or Forgetting what it is that is bothering me, otherwise my life will never change. I need to move on.
This incoherent thinking is an irritant; it always begins with a twinge of prickliness, with the onset of despair over the looming dilemma. Moments of aggravation easily brushes away, until more irritation begin to fester into dissatisfaction, provoked into infuriation which in turn becomes a hindrance. Making sense of these feelings are usually restrained, sometimes I want to just block the thoughts, but without resolution that block can become an obstruction, agitation for answers only gives way to exasperation, heading to the line of defeat, anger begins to command my thoughts, strengthening all the way up to a speechless rage which eventually spread out to a lulled ache, resentment forms around the edges, until discontentment with myself gives way to the pain and the silent tears billowing beneath the blinks of a turned away face .
In this anguish the tears fight to hold down the gulped scream that grips deep within my chest. I feel as if I did surrender to the shout, it would be so loud I would disturb the formation of the stars. I finally give way to weariness after realizing how much of a nuisance this predicament has tormented me. I take a few deep breathes, the heaviness in my chest subsides and I hear the words, "I am responsible for myself" pour out and I begin to take charge of my life again!
I don't have to tackle the predicament all at once. I need to be kind to myself, and not to put too many expectations on myself, some thing’s I just don’t have any control over…. if I can’t fix it, then I will let it go.
I might not understand where I am going but that doesn't mean I am going the wrong way. Sometimes I might not even understand where I am headed. That still doesn't mean I am not on the path. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
